There Are Some Walks You Have To Take Alone

It's been a long time since I've posted, over a month now. I've been struggling with a bunch of stuff from negative body image to stress from schoolwork, so maybe it's just because I've been busy. More likely, though, it's because I'm a little ashamed.

I don't know how you change your perception of yourself, but it's something I have been dealing with. Over the last year and a half, my main goal has been to lose weight and keep it off. To participate in a healthy lifestyle, not just a diet. And the truth is, healthy lifestyles kind of stink. It's not that I have to eat healthy every second of every day, I am allowed to cheat a bit. But now, when I do cheat, I inevitably feel horrible for doing so. As soon as I eat one slice too many, or a couple french fries, I can look in the mirror and see a whole different person. On the flip side, when I'm consistently working out and eating clean, I feel wonderful about myself. High self-esteem, and just love for myself and my body. So why not just do that all the time? you ask. Because it's kind of like a psychological game. I have a constant battle in my mind between "I'm craving some Taco Bell" and "You know as soon as you eat that Taco Bell you will feel awful" and "Yeah but ____________ [insert excuse here]."

I don't know that this will ever change, but I do know that I need to gain more control over it. I need to schedule in time for working out. I need to have a more positive attitude about myself, and really just in general.

Something that my amazing roommate has started doing is scheduling out her whole day. Sunday night, I'm going to sit down, and schedule out my Monday down to the minute. Then I'm going to follow that schedule. Then Monday night I will do the same for Tuesday and so on and so forth. I just feel really out of control, and I'm taking a passive approach to life. I'm going to succeed this semester, both by changing my perception of myself, and my perception on life.

Although, at this point, it's less about losing weight and more about just simply accepting the way that I look, I still weigh myself. Probably a little more often than I should, but not nearly as much as I used to. Let me just say that last night around 6:00PM I went to dairy queen with my friend and ordered a 4pc chicken strip basket, as well as a small pumpkin pie blizzard. I was SO FULL by the time I was done, I just completely pigged out. We did walk there and back, but other than that I had completed no exercise yesterday. So I was worried about how much I weighed this morning.

What a pleasant surprise to find out that I weighed in at 179.6 today...THE VERY FIRST TIME I HAVE BEEN UNDER 180 POUNDS SINCE I STARTED ON MY WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY! 

This is a big thing for me. Especially since I haven't even been trying. However, I have been taking this concoction my mom told me about: 

SO it is definitely possible that that is just kicking into high gear, but either way, it gives me motivation:) I am going to start scheduling a hard workout everyday, and hopefully by scheduling my time, I will be able to get my homework completed at a reasonable time every night, and all will be well in the world again. 

If someone has an idea of themselves in their head, it is hard to change how they look at themselves. While it's nice to hear "You're beautiful," it doesn't become real unless they truly believe it themselves.