With love in your heart and junk in your trunk

 It's a funny feeling to be called back here after so many years to a place where I've poured myself into a glass only meant to contain half of me. This is not the first time that I have went back and read through my countless hours of self-deprecation and self-loathing, and yet I am reading it with brand new eyes. Today, as I type this, I am heavier than I ever have before and yet I comb through these pictures and I just want to hug this person who so intently measured her worth with the numbers on a scale. It breaks my heart so completely because it takes me back to a place where diet culture consumed me. Why did no one tell this girl that she was complete all on her own? Why did no one tell her that the number on the scale could be zero and it would never be enough? She was chasing an absolutely unattainable dream. The pictures she posted that she longed to measure up to: the myriad white women with bone-straight hair and abs that don't even look like the pictures they're in. It's heartbreaking to me that for years and years and years I tried to fit my body into a mold that was never made for me. I had no representation of what it could look like to be healthy and also have a body. I had Pinterest serving me thinness and whiteness on a platter with a side of "6 minute abs" when what I needed was a sista with thighs for days telling me to embrace my thick. I needed Jessamyn Stanley and Sonya Renee Taylor and Latyoya Shauntay Snell telling me that fat is not a death sentence and that I need not lose sleep over the amount of carbs I ate in a day. How many moments of my life would have been different if I had seen someone who looks like me fiercely love their body? I attribute so much of where I am today to Black women who don't give a flying fuck about adhering to beauty standards. 

I have come a long way in accepting my curves, my stretch marks, my imperfections. I still am deeply insecure about the way fat shows up still in my face, in my arms, in my legs but I try to not let it paralyze me. I try not to let it diminish my worth. Because 5 years since my last post I have gained considerable weight but I have also gained considerable knowledge, compassion, understanding. I am funnier than I was 5 years ago. I am more talented professionally. I am more confident in myself. I may also be more socially awkward but I attribute that to the pandemic. 

Will I ever be done with the journey to be healthier? No, but this time around it will look differently.  

I considered starting a new blog but ultimately, these posts are a part of my truth and my journey and I have to honor them. This time I am leading with love rather than criticism and shame. Or at least, I am trying hard to. It's a weird phenomenon to look down and be okay "okay girl damn, you cute" and then take a picture and quite literally not recognize that person. So as I move forward, I do so with love and grace in my heart (and junk in my trunk😜).

P.S. I have had a lot of time to think about this because rona finally got me. 

The Motivation Revival: Part 2

Motivation is an elusive creature. Once you catch it, it can often escape your grasp for months, and in my case...years. Luckily, combing through pages of progress and setbacks has fueled in me a fire that will not be so easily put out this time around.

I last found myself struggling to maintain a healthy lifestyle 2,000 miles away from home in Buenos Aires, Argentina. At this time I was consuming a diet of meat, french fries, and alcohol, but I was working out fairly regularly. Looking back at those pictures, I remember feeling overweight and ashamed of my body. Now, I use those pictures for motivation. It breaks my heart that I can never be appreciative of how strong and beautiful I am in the moment. I constantly dream of being thinner, stronger, sexier. So from this point forward, my first goal is going to be appreciate the skin I am in right now. Celebrate the changes and wins but love my body in the current shape it's in. Think more kindly of my rolls and the cellulite because she gets me to where I need to be each and every day.
Be kinder to my bones. 

2 years ago this September is when I made the decision to go vegetarian at college. Mostly to see if I could do it but also for health benefits and to stop supporting the exploitation of animals. A month ago today is when I made the decision to follow a total plant-based diet and to become vegan in my actions as well as my eating habits. I strive to become an animal activist and to also stand up for the environment, especially in this political climate. But I also have absolutely no boundaries with food and I seek to transform the relationship I have with food. I have little self-control when it comes to eating and I overeat when I'm experiencing any kind of negative emotion. Making the decision to go vegan means a lot of that decision is taken away from me. Now when I come home drunk at 2AM, I eat hummus instead of pizza.

I am ready to self-actualize. I am ready to be my best self physically, professionally, and emotionally. I need this fire to stay lit so I don't settle in to this idea that where I'm at is good enough while simultaneously learning to love myself as I currently am. It sounds contradictory but those two things are necessary for me to be able to create a healthy and fulfilling life for myself. I need to remember that even if those numbers on the scale are not where they were two years ago, I've still come a long way.

From here I promise to push myself in every aspect of my life. To rid the fear of failure and simply do my best. To eat mindfully and to exercise with my goals in mind. To not become obsessed but aware. To not let excuses stand in my way. To know that even on bad days that I am powerful and capable. 

The Motivation Revival: Part 1

The reason it's called a weight-loss journey is because it's a long, hard road of fluxuation, inconsistency, accomplishments, and failures and it is without end. As much as I would like to sit here and berate myself for not posting in over two years, I'm weirdly content about the fact that I'm an imperfect human.

As I'm reading through my older posts, I am reminded of why I started blogging about my weight loss and health journey in the first place: I capture my unrelenting motivation for times when I need it. Now is one of those times.

So here we go again, because in two years I have not been consistent or serious about working out, or treating my body with the love and respect it deserves. This is the only body I will ever get, and she is a goddess. She has the potential to be strong, sexy, and healthy. So be prepared for more to come on this perfectly imperfect journey we are about to re-embark on. It's going to be hard and rewarding and  I'm ready. Stay tuned for some ups and downs.

               

And the Battle Continues...

I realized that I only post when I feel a burst of inspiration, if I have done well with healthy eating habits or workouts, or if I feel good about myself. It's that thing where you only show your good side and successes to the social media world (not that anyone ACTUALLY reads this thing anymore). But even when I'm posting for myself. I like to overshadow the fact that I have bad days, bad weeks, and even bad months. While I love being here in Buenos Aires, I'm also having a really hard time. Sometimes I wake up and lack motivation. I will go run and workout, but I make excuses and break my routine. I get sad or stressed out and I eat (or not) in an extremely unhealthy manner. I need consistency.

My two biggest problems are that I don't pay attention to my body and I make up excuses to not exercise, and that has caused me to gain weight over the past couple months; even in the past couple weeks. And that starts this ugly cycle of negative body image, getting down on myself, emotional eating, and more self-loathing due to the poor choices I've been making. I'm going to admit: it's very hard. I thought it would be easy because I would be getting away from the fast food environment back home but the reality is, with all the stress of being away from home, it's actually more difficult. The best I can do is try and keep myself positive and exercising, because that always causes a domino effect lifting my mood and also how I see myself.

I miss making my healthy shakes in the mornings or afternoons. I miss my egg white omelet with vegetables and salsa. I miss the gym or the ease of running around town without having to dodge too much traffic or people. I miss having friends who want to work out with me. And it's hard because I know when I go home, I will miss Rivadavia Park: my favorite place to go by myself. I will miss running there with all the other people young and old, completely unconnected to my life but linked to me by a common purpose. I'll miss the pond and the willow tree, while although filled with people, the park actually is the most peaceful place on Earth.

I can do difficult, because that's all I've been doing for the past three months. Keep pushing.

Day 99 & 98

When I first started trying to do push-ups, I could hammer out a solid two good ones. When I actually started to practice trying to do push-ups before my run in the mornings, I could accomplish 5 mediocre push-ups at a time for a total of ten. Well, yesterday for the first time ever, I pushed myself into completing 10 push-ups at a time, 20 in total and I'm pretty damn proud of myself <3

This morning, I woke up and looked in the mirror and it was horrifyingly noticeable how dead my ends were. My hair is taking a beating here in BsAs because I failed to pack enough black girl hair products, thinking that more of my kind inhibited this area...I was wrong. The point is that day 98 of loving myself went a little differently. I woke up not loving the way my hair looked. So I washed and straightened it, and I went and got it cut. My goal was to chop it off. I wanted something different, something risky and sassy. While I love myself for having the balls to let someone who speaks a different language than me take scissors to my hair, I failed on the "risky" hair cut. It looks the same as always, only a little healthier. But I was nervous to have someone other than my normal hairstylist cut my hair and yet I marched into that salon, made an appointment, and came out happy with the result. I'm strong, courageous, and independent, and I love that about myself!

She's Got Her Head in the Clouds, and She's Not Backing Down

Can we talk about self-love for a minute? 

In a world where men and women are constantly fed images of what "attractive" looks like, it's almost impossible to appreciate our bodies for exactly what they are. I can guarantee you that even the models in the commercials or magazine ads look in the mirror and see imperfections. That's just how humans are programmed these days. Well I don't buy it. I don't believe that we should spend every day uncomfortable in our skin, and fighting to be something we're not. Don't get me wrong, I am all for trying to be the best self that you can be even if that means substituting salads for hamburgers or forcing yourself to get up early in the morning to workout. But it should be realistic. It is impossible for me to be a size 2, and that's not what I want for myself anyways. Yes, I would like to be better in shape, I would like to tone up, and I would find joy in downsizing a few pants sizes, but at the same time I want to appreciate and love the body I already have.

100 Day Challenge. 

This isn't a "do a bunch of push-ups for 100 days" challenge. Or a "lose ___ pounds in 100 days" challenge. It's a "find one thing that you love about yourself/about your body every day for 100 days" challenge. 

Today is Day 1:

Tonight after my workout, I decided that I was going to take off my sweatshirt, and sit under a tree in my sports bra. It sounds kinda weird, but I just sat under this tree and thought positively. I enjoyed the moment and just...existed. I do not wear revealing clothing. I definitely don't sit in a park with my stomach hanging out to every passerby in the world. But today I did. I was embracing the fact that I'm a real girl who likes to eat and I have rolls and curves and stretch marks. My stomach isn't flat. And guess what, I love it anyways.

I'm not saying that there aren't still days where I feel ugly and inadequate and wish I was a size 2. Here are some things that I do to try and defeat that way of thinking (thanks to www.lifehack.org):

*Start each day by telling yourself something really positive. How well you handled a situation, how lovely you look today. Anything that will make you smile.
*Fill your body with food and drink that nourishes it and makes it thrive.
*Move that gorgeous body of yours every single day and learn to love the skin you’re in. You can’t hate your way into loving yourself.
*Don’t believe everything you think. There is an inner critic inside of us trying to keep us small and safe. The downside is this also stops us from living a full life.
*Surround yourself with people who love and encourage you. Let them remind you just how amazing you are.
*Stop the comparisons. There is no one on this planet like you, so you cannot fairly compare yourself to someone else. The only person you should compare yourself to is you.
*End all toxic relationships. Seriously. Anyone who makes you feel anything less than amazing doesn't deserve to be a part of your life.
*Celebrate your wins no matter how big or small. Pat yourself on the back and be proud of what you have achieved.
*Step outside of your comfort zone and try something new. It’s incredible the feeling we get when we realize we have achieved something we didn't know or think we could do before.
*Embrace and love the things that make you different. This is what makes you special.
*Realize that beauty cannot be defined. It is what you see it as. Don’t let any of those Photoshopped magazines make you feel like your body isn’t perfect. Even those models don’t look like that in real life.
*Take time out to calm your mind every day. Breathe in and out, clear your mind of your thoughts and just be.
*Follow your passion. You know that thing that gets you so excited but scares you at the same time. The thing you really want to do but have convinced yourself it won’t work. You should go do that!
*Be patient but persistent. Self-love is ever evolving. It’s something that needs to be practiced daily but can take a lifetime to master. So be kind and support yourself through the hard times.
*Be mindful of what you think, feel and want. Live your life in ways that truly reflect this.
*Treat others with love and respect. It makes us feel better about ourselves when we treat others the way we hope to be treated. That doesn’t mean everybody will always repay the favor, but that’s their problem not yours.
*Find something to be grateful for every day. It’s inevitable that you are going to have your down days. This is fine and very human of you. It’s especially important on these days to find at least one thing you are grateful for as it helps to shift your mind and energy around what’s going on.
*Reach out to family, friends, healers, whomever you need to help you through the tough times. You are not expected to go through them alone.
*Learn to say no. Saying no sometimes doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a smart person.
*Forgive yourself. You know that thing you did one time (or maybe a few times) that made you feel bad, embarrassed, ashamed? It’s time to let that go. You can’t change the things you have done in the past but you can control your future. Look at it as a learning experience and believe in your ability to change.
*Write it down. Head swimming with so many thoughts it’s giving you a headache? Write them all down on a piece of paper, no matter how crazy, mean, sad, or terrifying they are. Keep it in a journal, tear it up, burn it, whatever you need to do to let it go.
*Turn off and inwards. Grab a cup of your favorite tea, coffee, wine, whatever your choice of drink, and sit down for a few minutes on your own. No TV or distractions, just you. Think about the wonderful things that are happening in your life right now, what your big dreams are and how you can make them happen.
*Give up the need for approval from others. “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” – Dita Von Teese
*Be realistic. There is no person on this earth that is happy every single moment of every single day. You know why? Because we are all human. We make mistakes, we feel emotions (good and bad) and this is OK. Allow yourself to be human.
*Get creative and express yourself in whatever way you like. Painting, writing, sculpting, building, music, whatever takes your fancy, and make sure you leave your inner critic at the door. There are no right ways to be creative.
*Let go of past trauma and wounds. This can be a really tough one and it may be one of those times you need to turn to others for support. The truth is though, when we let go of things that have happened to us it’s almost like a weight is lifted off our shoulders. We don’t have to carry that around with us anymore. We deserve better.
*Find your happy place. Where’s the one place you feel totally at ease, calm, happy, positive, high on life? Go to that place when you are going through hard times, or imagine yourself being there. Think about how it feels, what it smells like, what it looks like.
*The next time you are feeling happy and on top of the world make a list of your best qualities and accomplishments. It may sound a little corny, but it can be a wonderful reminder when you are having a day that’s less than amazing.
*Get in touch with your inner dialogue. If it’s anything less than loving, encouraging and supportive, it’s time to make a change. You deserve to be spoken to in the same way you would speak to your best friend, sister, brother, daughter, or son.
*Have fun! Get out there and do the things that light your fire. Enjoy them, enjoy being you and enjoy your incredible life.

For at least the next 100 days I will be doing at least one of these a day. So here's to loving ourselves, and doing the things that make us feel amazing. 

Exercise Is The Best Form of Therapy

'Cause sometimes you just feel tired,

Feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.

But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength,

And just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up

And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse

"Till I Collapse"- Eminem 

I'm not sure if it's a girl thing or a human thing, but sometimes I get myself into a funk for no reason. I shut down, I refuse to talk about what's bothering me probably because I can't pinpoint the reason that makes me hate the world. Sometimes a person can't get themselves out of a funk. They need someone to cheer them up, to tell them the sky is not falling...and sometimes, there is nobody. There are times where you have to figure out your own problems and solve your own problems. 

So this morning, instead of making excuses, or promising myself that I'll workout later, I just got up and went for it. Last week, I made it a goal to run for ten minutes...and most days I could barely do that. But today, I pushed a slow 30 minutes and I realized a lot about what I had been feeling that I didn't know I was feeling. I'm not going to get into it because it's all resolved and I'm back to being happy-go-lucky, but I need to stop babying myself. OKAY, so being in another country with 0 of your friends and family is hard sometimes. Get over it, and be happy. Go run, it's not that hard.

I'm going to make a list of everything that I want to do/improve upon when I get home. Lists make me happy.