9:30 AM
I was looking in the mirror this morning, and I realized something. I haven't been completely honest with myself. I was admiring how much smaller my stomach and my love handles looked...and it hit me. I'm a compulsive sucker-inner. All of those "progress" pictures that I took, I was sucking in my stomach to some degree so they weren't an accurate portrayal of my progress. The actual amount of fat that was stored in my stomach was way worse compared to those pictures, and as I stuck my gut out this morning, although I wasn't impressed by how misleading I had been, I was proud to notice that my stomach is getting flatter. It doesn't stick out as far, or is as rounded as it had been only a couple months ago. My stretch marks are slowly (but surely!) fading on my love handles and my arms. Next Wednesday when I get on the scale, and take my measurements, I will take a completely honest picture of what I look like. No sucking it in. I think in the back of my head I wasn't completely ready to show the world how big I had gotten. I had successfully been able to hide it under bigger clothes, and by sucking it in, but I don't want to have to suck it in. I want to wear tighter clothes and not have a stomach pooch. I don't want to constantly have to cross my arms over my stomach to hide. I'm done hiding, and I'm done being fat. And let me tell you, the biggest motivator of all isn't seeing myself look hot in a bikini when we go to Wisconsin Dells, because that's too abstract for me. It's too far away and too hard to picture myself that way. I don't remember what it was like to have a small stomach and a nice body. The biggest motivator is seeing how far I've come in such a short period of time. My fingers were getting so thick that I would struggle getting my ring off, and now it almost slides off my finger by itself. I was so ashamed of my arms that wearing a tank top was painful, and now I'm proud of the way they look so far. Looking at my face and seeing the fat slowly disappear from my cheeks, and watching that double chin slim down to a normal size is amazing. Fitting into clothes that were tight on me three months ago is the biggest motivator. Shopping for a size smaller than I did three months ago is the biggest motivator. Knowing that it's going to get so much better in the following months because of my hard work and dedication is the biggest motivator. Knowing that I won't be ashamed of my body, or embarrassed of how I look, but proud is the BIGGEST motivator. All it takes is that first push. Running? I couldn't even imagine that I would love to run. You just have to start, and it's all downhill from there.
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