It's a funny feeling to be called back here after so many years to a place where I've poured myself into a glass only meant to contain half of me. This is not the first time that I have went back and read through my countless hours of self-deprecation and self-loathing, and yet I am reading it with brand new eyes. Today, as I type this, I am heavier than I ever have before and yet I comb through these pictures and I just want to hug this person who so intently measured her worth with the numbers on a scale. It breaks my heart so completely because it takes me back to a place where diet culture consumed me. Why did no one tell this girl that she was complete all on her own? Why did no one tell her that the number on the scale could be zero and it would never be enough? She was chasing an absolutely unattainable dream. The pictures she posted that she longed to measure up to: the myriad white women with bone-straight hair and abs that don't even look like the pictures they're in. It's heartbreaking to me that for years and years and years I tried to fit my body into a mold that was never made for me. I had no representation of what it could look like to be healthy and also have a body. I had Pinterest serving me thinness and whiteness on a platter with a side of "6 minute abs" when what I needed was a sista with thighs for days telling me to embrace my thick. I needed Jessamyn Stanley and Sonya Renee Taylor and Latyoya Shauntay Snell telling me that fat is not a death sentence and that I need not lose sleep over the amount of carbs I ate in a day. How many moments of my life would have been different if I had seen someone who looks like me fiercely love their body? I attribute so much of where I am today to Black women who don't give a flying fuck about adhering to beauty standards.
I have come a long way in accepting my curves, my stretch marks, my imperfections. I still am deeply insecure about the way fat shows up still in my face, in my arms, in my legs but I try to not let it paralyze me. I try not to let it diminish my worth. Because 5 years since my last post I have gained considerable weight but I have also gained considerable knowledge, compassion, understanding. I am funnier than I was 5 years ago. I am more talented professionally. I am more confident in myself. I may also be more socially awkward but I attribute that to the pandemic.
Will I ever be done with the journey to be healthier? No, but this time around it will look differently.
I considered starting a new blog but ultimately, these posts are a part of my truth and my journey and I have to honor them. This time I am leading with love rather than criticism and shame. Or at least, I am trying hard to. It's a weird phenomenon to look down and be okay "okay girl damn, you cute" and then take a picture and quite literally not recognize that person. So as I move forward, I do so with love and grace in my heart (and junk in my trunk😜).
P.S. I have had a lot of time to think about this because rona finally got me.
